Thursday, January 19, 2012


I finally ventured away from the hospital.  I was told it was good for me to take a mental health break.  Not so much.  I was so worried about what was happening back in Bethesda.  I spent a long time on the phone with Derek and others just catching up while I was away.

I'm in a quandry.  I really want to be here in Bethesda because I feel that Derek still needs me to help him heal, and I want to be there when he takes his first steps.  They are a couple of weeks away.  He has his liner, and we are hoping he will get molded for his prosthetics in the next few days.  I've watched him through all of the hell, and now I want to celebrate the awesome!  He is also being pinned with his purple heart in the next two weeks.  I will not miss that ceremony.   On the other hand, I am missing my other children and I know they need me, too.  I want to be there for them.  I've never been away from them, and I am missing the entire school year!  It's the hardest thing I've ever done.  This is why I cannot sleep at night.  I have not had a full night's sleep in.... well, a couple of months.  It has been really bad the last two weeks.

Mental health break?  I think not.  This whole thing is taxing and draining.  No matter where I am, I feel guilty about not being in the other place.  It's hard to keep being strong all the time, but when you do not have a safe place to fall, it's all you can do.

Being in Parsippany again was..... odd.  SO much has changed in the last six months.  Blockbuster closed, renovations to other stores were completed, and more.  I saw my neighbor, who greeted me warmly.  I saw Jessica in Quick Chek.  She is so sweet.  Sean and I also stopped by All Saints Academy, where he went to school for 7th and 8th grade, and who have been so supportive of us this past couple of months.  Judy, the principal is wonderful.  And Sean loved his history teacher, Ms. Lardiere.  They greeted us with real, tight hugs.

Sitting in my own house felt weird.  My kitties were excited to see me, and I guess my kiddies as well.  Kellina and Sean were happy to be able to spend two nights in the house again.  Ryan stayed at my sisters because his stuff was there, and he said it was easier.  The three of them are living with my sister while I am down here.  I know it's hard of them, but they are troopers.

Now Sean is back with me for a couple of days, visiting with his big brother as a birthday treat.  He's 15 already.  Wow.  My baby is almost grown up.

I flew home on Tuesday courtesy of Hero Miles.  HM is part of the Fisher House Foundation.  People donate money and unused airline miles so that wounded warriors and  can fly free of charge.  It is a wonderful service.  Without it, I never would have been able to afford to fly home or get Sean back to Jersey after this weekend. 

I drove back to Bethesda today with Derek's wheelchair accessible van.  The wonderful Rupple's donated the van to Derek.  It drives beautifully.  I tried to register it with DMV yesterday, and they told me I needed my brother-in-law to be there.  I finally convinced them I had to do it without him, and they sent me away with a form for him to sign.  So, I went back today and got it done.  Now that we have the van down here, we can get out more!  If the doc allows us.  The new resident was hesitant to let us out on pass.  But we've been out several times already, so Dr. Kim fixed it.  But now she is away for two weeks.  Makes. Me. Nervous.  His primary doctor, the one who knows him the best, is gone and we have a new doctor who doesn't know him that well.  Ugh.

Sean is flying home on Monday, but he forgot his ID, so we are having it FedExed to us.  Aggravating.

We did get to go out to dinner for Sean's 15th birthday!  My sister, her kids, our Dad, and my 4 went to dinner at Ihop.  We missed Derek and Krystina and Brian.  My brother-in-law was working. 

While I was away, Derek rocked it out in the Matc.  He has been transferring with one arm assisting himself, and he flipped himself over in bed to pet Willie the service pup.  He also started practicing getting to the toilet with the hopes of getting the colostomy reversed.  I hope his internal injuries are not so bad that he can get this done.  He wants to do it before he goes outpatient.  I really hope he can.  It will do so much for his mental well being.

And Derek had the stitiches removed from his arm.  Dr. Dimples did it!  Haven't seen him in a while.

What is still concerning are the boils.  He has two deep holes in his hip.  They are about 3 cm deep.  The explanation is that these are pockets of infection finally making their way out of his body.  I just want them to heal and stop erupting!  They look so painful.  Derek has been through so much.  It's time to end this and move ahead!

He is trying to get off the IV pushes of pain meds.  We had talked about switching to a longer acting pain med, but there seems to be a miscommunication about it.  I will clear it with Sam tomorrow.  I would love to see his pain better controlled.

The cutest part of tonight was Dr. Diego.  I had to bring back Jersey bagels.  I texted him that we had arrived, and he ran into the room to grab some bagels.  Love that kid.  I sent some home with him. He better share them with his beautiful wife!

I also brought back Irish chocolate and cookies from Ireland, courtesy of Eddie Hansberry of the Parsippany Deli.  Hey all you Jersey folks, if you are in the area, the Parsippany Deli is on Parsippany Road in Parsippany.  Love it.  The food is great and it has Irish imports!  The Cadbury chocolate is my favorite.  It just can't compare to the American Cadbury.  So much better.  It has ruined me for American chocolate.  Tonight, the nurses were loving those cookies.  Thanks, Eddie!

So, it was great to get home for a couple of days, but it made me so nervous.  I won't be heading back any time soon.  Not until Derek is further in his recovery.  I almost had to go back next week for jury duty, but I fixed it with a phone call.  I was afraid I would have to take West up on his "threat" for involuntary hospitalization.  Sometimes I seriously think he wants to lock me up!  And sometimes I really want to take him up on it!

So, that's all the news that's fit to print.  It was a whirlwind few days.  I'm glad I got to go home, but as nervous as it made me, I will wait a while before doing it again. 

We are getting through and climbing to glory!  No matter what struggles you have in your life, keep going.  Don't give up.  And don't compare your struggles to someone else's.  It's all relative.  We all have hurdles that we have to conquer, stress to defeat, trials to overcome.  I look around sometimes and think that I could never handle what someone else is dealing with.  And I have people say that to me all the time, that they could never deal with what happened to Derek.  I believe that we all have struggles, and we are usually given no more than we can handle.  Sometimes, I think God screwed up with me and gave me a lot more than I can handle, but I always make it through somehow.  When this journey feels so totally overwhelming that I want to take West up on his threat, I fake it until I get through the day, and then it doesn't seem as bad.  Right now, I feel like I have dozens of plates spinning on top of poles, and I am running around like crazy trying to keep them all in the air.  I am so afraid one will crash down.  But I will make it through.... eventually.

God bless.  Climb to glory!


  1. So good to hear from you again! I was wondering why you were AWOL! You have so much on your plate right now that you do deserve a break every once in awhile. So glad you were able to get Derek's van down there with you all. I bet it won't be long before Derek is behind the wheel at the pace he's going! He's making leaps and bounds in his recovery! Still praying about the boils that they heal completely. Thanks as always for your honesty in the struggles to find the new normal! You, Derek and Krystina (heck your entire family too) ROCK!!

  2. Has to be so hard being so torn!
    Look to the Lord for all things! He'll always be with you! Praying!
    Isaiah 40:28-31 Hast thou not known? hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary? there is no searching of his understanding. He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall: But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.
    Prayer Bears
    My email address

  3. Thank you for the update... I am so thankful for your last paragraph... I look at others around and think no way.... Theirs is so much worse, buck up girl... Thanks for the compassion... Praying everyday for you all...