Confessions of a Wounded Warrior Mom

It has been a while since I've written anything.  I needed to back away from everything and try to rejuvenate.  I'm not finished with that, yet.  I do not know how long it will take me to get back some semblance of who I was before the last ten months happened.  I walked away from my entire life to help Derek, and I've lost so much as a result.  That's hitting me pretty hard now.

I don't know what really led to this.  I guess certain thoughts have been bantering about in my noggin and I just want to get them out.  Perhaps this is like Prof. Dumbledore's Pensieve.... once I take them out, I can categorize them and file them away never to be thought of again.  I can only hope.

Some of these are not good thoughts.  Not good things.  But I'm human.

I feel disconnected. I feel like I am adrift on a raft in the middle of the ocean. I need to find solid ground.

It is so hard for me to ask for help.  I will accept it, sometimes, but I find it so hard to ask for it.  I've asked for help a handful of times, and usually I am disappointed.  It really annoys me when people in power offer help or to arrange a special visit, and then when you ask, they ignore you.  I experienced that so many times, and the one that stung the most was the person I thought was my best friend in the world.  The other one that ticked me off was someone everyone in the world knows, because he is in the news every single day.  Not a fan.

Most people will offer to help, but they do not mean it.  It's an empty promise.  Or, it's a promise made with the best of intentions at the time, but when redeemed, it is not convenient.  Or, it is meant but only if it is something small and easy.  Most people do not want to be put out, but they feel they have to offer. 

When I offer, I mean it.  At least I hope I mean it.  Not many have taken me up on it.  If it is within my power, I will do it.  No questions asked.  Well, maybe some questions to appease my curiosity.  Having reached out to people who offered to help and then were not there when I asked, I've become too cautious.  My sister is the one and only person I feel I can rely on 100%, although I'm sure if I asked certain friends they would be there too.  I thought I could always rely on the one person I considered my best forever friend in the world, but I guess I wasn't perfect enough the last ten months and that is now over.  It hurts.

I am SO happy and relieved that Derek's guys have made it home from Afghanistan safe and sound and in one piece.  I am also a bit bitter and sad.  Not because they were not hurt....please!  I would never wish an injury on even my worst enemy!  I am thrilled for them and for their families.  But I hurt for us.  I hurt for Derek.  I wish he had gotten his homecoming.  I wish we could have gone to Fort Drum to welcome the boys home.  I wish Derek was one of them.  I wish we could have gone to the Post-Deployment Ball and had a blast, like we did at the Pre-Deployment Ball.  So, it makes me happy, sad, thrilled, bitter when I see happy homecomings, because ours was denied to us.  Does that make any sense?

It is hard for me to admit weakness.  I am a strong woman, and I know that.  But I have my moments, and when I do, it is hard for me to admit it.  I usually put on a brave face and say I am fine.  By fine, I mean Fed-up, Insecure, Nuerotic, and Emotional.  Today, I am fine.

It takes a lot to make me cry.  I do not usually shed tears.  I cried a lot when Derek was first injured.  For the first week, anyway.  I cried a couple of weeks ago when I felt I was just getting kicked too many times.  Sometimes I tear up, but they crawl back into their cave before they fall.  If I do cry, it's a sign that I am really hurting.  I've cried a lot the last two weeks.

I hate doing laundry.  I would rather clean a bathroom then do laundry.

I love Harry Potter.  I do not like Twilight.  Harry Potter is the ultimate love story.  It encompasses every aspect of love - friendship, parent/child, friends, mentors, lovers.  There is sacrifice and heroism.  Twilight?  It's a story of a girl who falls in love with her stalker and then plays with the hearts of two guys.  Just my humble opinion.  Oh, and I'm finding the Sookie Stackhouse books painful to read.  Very juvenile.  But the story is intriguing.  I loved the Hunger Games books.  Fifty Shades?  She didn't change enough of it, so I am annoyed at how Edward and Bellish Christian and Ana are.  It's another woman falling in love with a controlling stalker.  Yes, I read it when it was a Twilight fan fiction.

I do not carry a grudge, but I do not forget.  I will forgive and move on, but I do not forget.  Even if the person who wronged me does not ask for forgiveness, I will move on.  There is only one person who I hold any bitterness towards, and it is because of recent events, not the past.  I had moved on from the past.

That person?  I think most of you can guess who it is.  He has wronged me and my children so many times and he was the one person on whom my children should have been able to lean.  It's the hurt towards the children that I find the hardest to forget.  He abandonned the children 13 years ago and left me to struggle to support them on my own.  I tried to get him to pay support, but he failed and refused until Probation caught up with him.  So what could I do?  I did the best I could for my children. 

Then Derek met the IED.  He came to the hospital.  He had not seen the children in 12 years.  I did not keep him away, although I wanted to.  I really wanted to tell him to leave and let us heal as a family, but I didn't.  I did not hold any ill will towards him, I just did not want to deal with the stress of having him around.  Because I didn't know if Derek would want him here or not, I was not going to be the one to send him away.  I did blow up at him in front of Building 10.  He caused so much drama and so many problems that I finally snapped, but I still did not ask him to leave.  When Derek woke up, he did it, and I supported him.  I was blamed.  So what?  I have been blamed for worse.  Derek and I and the rest of the family know the truth. 

I have horrible taste in men.  I've pretty much given up on the dating scene because I do not trust my own judgment.  I attract jerks, losers, stalkers and abusers.  I have looked around to see if there were any decent guys in Bethesda, but all I have found were married men, kids, and jerks.  And at this time, I think I have a slight stalker problem.  It's disconcerting.

Racism and discrimination turn my stomach.  I hate when people make determinations about a person and his/her abilities simply by virtue of race, religion, creed, gender, hair color, style of dress, etc.  I hate when I am called a racist because I do not like someone when it has nothing to do with race, religion, creed, gender, etc.  I make my decisions about people based on morals, values, words, and actions.

I do not like the way so much is couched in terms of racism.  Race is not always the determining factor.  But if you listen to the media, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, and others like them, you would think everything is determined by race.

When politics gets between friends, it breaks my heart.  I lost a friend because of politics.  Just because we are on two totally different teams does not mean we can't get along.  We acted badly when an disagreement occurred, and that was it.

I'm lonely.  I'm in a crowd of people, but I'm lonely.

I missed family dinners.  Eating alone is depressing, but that's what I did for most meals. 

I feel guilty whenever I feel pain, which is all the time.  The range of motion is pretty much gone from my neck and it hurts all the time, but when I see what the wounded warriors do in spite of their injuries, I shut up.

I miss my church community, but I feel so disconnected from them.

I am angry at God.  I've tried to get beyond it, but whenever I do, more crap gets thrown at me.  My crap bucket is currently overflowing.  I've tried turning it over to God, but when I do, it gets worse, and something horrible always happens within days of saying I give it to Him.  So, I'll deal with it myself.  That doesn't mean I don't believe.... I'm just overwhelmed.

It irks me when people say they must follow the Bible to the letter, but many of them do not.  By way of example, so many attack the gay community and say that they are damned because it is against the Bible, but I believe it is Matthew 7:1 that says, "Judge not that ye not be judged."  How can they judge the gay community, then?  Isn't that up to God?  I say, live and let live.  If two men or two women want to be together, who am I to condemn them?  It does not impact on me, raise my taxes, force me out of my home, change how I live my life, so why should I judge them?  I'm leaving it in God's hands to judge us all in the end.

I simply cannot stand it when people use their soldier's injury to make money or get attention.  I also do not like the way some get showered with benefits and some are ignored.  We are all in this together, and to give all of the attention to one or two, it is hurtful to the others.  Come on - share - spread the love.

I hate the position I am currently in.  I lost my job.  This is not a good economy and employment is scarce.  I need a break.

I play Cityville.  A lot.  It's stupid, but it's an escape from reality.

I cannot deal with idle chit chat.  I hate the telephone.  I have so much on my mind and weighing down my shoulders, that to stand around and shoot the breeze is beyond my comprehension.  I find myself avoiding people and situations because I just do not want to deal right now.

I wish I could curl up in bed with a good book, a glass of iced tea and my Skitty Cat and not move for a month.  Maybe longer.

I wish I could afford a maid.