Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Goodbyes Suck :'-(

One of the worst parts of this whole thing are goodbyes.  I've heard the saying about family, I love to see them come, and I love to see them leave.  When you are in a situation like this, that is not always true.  And in this situation, we are always saying goodbye... to family at home, friends at home and those we meet here, doctors who rotate to other services, wounded warriors who leave to go to other hospitals for treatment, etc.  Goodbyes suck.  I am tired of goodbye.

This weekend was a whirlwind.  Unfortunately, it was over before I knew it.

We had 13 people for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day - my five children, my father, my sister Yvette, her husband Brian, and their three children, and Krystina. 

Then on Monday, my Aunt Barbara and three cousins joined, so we made 17.  My Dad, Brian and my oldest son Mike had to leave, so we were back down to 14.  We took over the conference room for dinner.  AJ fell asleep on Derek.

When Derek got tired, we headed back into his room, all 14 of us, and yes, it was a little cramped, but it felt good.  AJ snuggled with Derek in bed, we pulled out the chair that converts to a bed to make more seats, and we simply made room.

Today, we were visited by Sgt Archie, who is usually very stoic and serious.  He came in bouncy and actually smiling!  He was happy and allowed the kids to pet his face, something he usually hates.  He got up onto the bed with Derek, a special treat that is allowed only rarely.
He snuggled with Derek a long time, and even lay his head on Derek's shoulder.  After 5+ months, we have become part of his family.  I cannot imagine how it will feel when it comes time to say goodbye to him, his wonderful Mommy, and the other facility dogs.

In the afternoon, we said goodbye to Aunt Barbara, and my cousins, Michelle, Ainsley, and Jon.  It was hard to see them go, because I don't know when I will see them again.  That is one thing that is awful about this.  Being away from extended family.  I was always close to my family, and I liked knowing they were close.  Having them so far away is tough.

I haven't seen most of my friends in over five months.  Some of them have been able to come down for a quick visit, but most have lives that are not conducive to trips to DC.

The brat, yes Derek, then slept all afternoon because he had been awake watching movies with his brother Sean until 3 a.m.!!  But it gave the kids and me time together to just talk and be in the same room, something I miss terribly.

Then the moment I had dreaded all day finally dawned.  It was time to say goodbye to my sister, nephews and two of my children.  (My son Sean will stay the week.)  I couldn't do it.  I was too choked up.  Yes, me.  The one who rarely sheds a tear.  I couldn't get the words, "Goodbye, I love you," to come out of my mouth.  I just hugged them tight and turned and walked to the nearest bathroom to break down.  I sit here tonight, typing this, with tears still coming, and it is hours later.  I hate this.

I hate missing the daily chit chat.  I hate not being there for them at night.  I hate not being able to help my daughter with daily struggles.  I hate not being there for parent-teacher conferences.  I hate missing nightly family dinners.  Yes, I was one of those who insisted on eating together as a family EVERY night.  No cell phones, no TV, no nothing but talking as a family.  I miss it.  Not knowing when or if I will get back to it is tearing me apart.  I hate not being able to tease my sons about the girls they like.  I hate not being able to stare down the boys who like my daughter.  I hate not being able to snuggle with my kids or my cat.  I hate not being a Mom.  I know I am doing what I need to do, and the kids understand, because they have told me so, but I hate what I am missing.

Not knowing how I will pay the mortgage or continue to support my children if this doesn't end next month is causing extreme stress.  Maybe that's why I have not had a decent night's sleep in weeks and this migraine has been tearing at my brain for two weeks?  Whatever.  I've always landed on my feet and I know it will work out eventually, but getting there is ripping me apart. 

Oh well.  I will continue to put on my brave face and fake it.  If you don't feel it, fake it and eventually you'll fool yourself into believing it.  I am strong.  Stronger than I ever realized, it turns out, but sometimes the situation is beyond me, and I just fake my way through it.  Before I know it, I'm at the end, and I don't have to be strong any more.

Sorry for the downer tonight, but it's been a tough evening.  This isn't all rainbows, butterflies, unicorns and flowers.  Raw emotion sometimes breaks free.  I hate it.

Climb to glory.  Keep going.  Even when the mountain feels or looks insurmountable.... keep going.  Never give in.... never give up.

9 comments:

  1. I can only imagine the emotional roller coaster... that your on... stay strong!!!! OR else I will come out there and kidnap you!!!

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  2. You are an awesome MOM! Don't ever think you aren't. You are all in my prayers daily and nightly.
    It's not goodbye, it's See You Later.

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  3. I am crying with you... So sad for you... Praying...

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  4. Am so sorry they couldn't stay longer!
    Still continuing to lift up prayers.
    2 Corinthians 1:3-5 Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God. For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ.
    Prayer Bears
    My email address

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  5. I am so proud to call you friend!! I am so sorry I am not there to give you a hug! (Muah)

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  6. You are the strongest, bravest mom I know! Being away from loved ones, whether they do the leaving or you do, is tough all the way around - no matter the reason. You just keep on keepin' on and, as you know, everything will work itself out. I'm so sorry that you STILL have that blasted migraine. My husband suffers from them - see if they can't give you a shot of Imitrex to knock it out. Go get a neck and shoulder massage if you can. That's got to be the worst thing - trying to fake it AND have a migraine! Bless you!

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  7. Know that I'm continuing to pray!
    Psalms 57:1-2 Be merciful unto me, O God, be merciful unto me: for my soul trusteth in thee: yea, in the shadow of thy wings will I make my refuge, until these calamities be overpast. I will cry unto God most high; unto God that performeth all things for me.
    Prayer Bears
    My email address

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  8. If I had a magic wand, I would have had Derek come back from Afghanistan exactly how he looks in the portrait I painted for him and Krystina for Christmas. All of you looked so happy that day. There’s nothing wrong with expressing how you feel to yourself or to anyone else. I continue to pray for all of you. I hope 2012 will fill your hearts and minds with much peace, joy, and happiness.

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  9. WOW! What an arrogant a**wipe! That MD wanna-be needs to go back to school because he obviously didn't learn anything the first time around! LOL

    As from not letting your friend visit you - did they institute a new rule without telling you? put you in time-out (I'd like to see them try!)? I thought patient morale was of the utmost importance. Makes me wonder.

    I can only hope, should I ever be where you are right now, that I have your gumption, your strength, your backbone, the courage to survive the ordeal with dignity, while still retaining my sense of humor like you have. Like you, I'd rather like that cry any day.

    I have you back with prayers and virtual hugs. Would love to visit, but you have enough to handle without having to deal with someone without a filter between her brain and her mouth! If anyone needed a "preview" button, it's me! LOL

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