Wednesday, September 14, 2011


Unfortunately, a day off of the medications did not clear up the delusional thoughts.  He actually became worse.  And they are distressing to him.  As much as I tried to keep my face passive, I failed.  Doctors say it might be a couple of days.

Derek demanded that I make him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  He told Krystina the sandwich ended up on her head and it was funny.

The helicopter was flying over the bed and he screamed at me to be quiet so he could concentrate.  Then he grabbed it and shoved it under his arm.

He yelled at me for allowing his brother Michael to eat and not him.  He also was angry because I had Michael go into the Navy and not him because I loved him more.  Sibling rivalry.  Gotta love it.  It was alive and well between my sister and me growing up.  If Derek really thinks about it, he knows this is not true since where am I?

I was informed over the night that Derek told his brother Ryan not to eat the whole gun, and that he wanted to help Mel Gibson.  Before I left last night, he wanted to know how many people his nurse killed and how many she had arrested.  Today, he thought his nurse was part of NCIS.  He also told me that down range his troops and the federal agents put each other on pillows and carry each other around.  He yelled at me to get three people in to take off his butt.

I didn't know that I was a grandmother.  He wanted help with the kids - he was the daddy, Krystina was the mommy.  At one point, the kids were playing in the bathroom.

Derek pulled at his wires, tubes and pins all day.  He told me the "big, black guy in charge" told him to.  The funny thing is, that describes one of the men in charge, and Derek has never met him.  He also said that if he got them all out he would get better.  He ripped the stitches out of his central line, but I grabbed his hand before he got the entire thing ripped out!  He did dislodge it, though.

When Master Sgt Bell visited, he knew who she was, and he had a normal conversation with her until he told her that she had to make sure the Washington Redskin cheerleaders kept their clothes on because he had to be focused on Krystina.  But then he also told her that he had a salad from McDonalds that didn't happen.

On the medical front, his white cell count went up a little to 21.3 and he is still tachy.  They added back in the seroquel and added zyprexa to help with the pain and agitation.  They also increased the remeron for sleep.

The best part of the day was passing the swallow study!  Krystina and I watched!  It was amazing to see his throat work from a little camera inserted inside.  The milkshake, pudding and jello were heaven.  But after the swallow study, he told Krystina it was her turn to do it.

Derek also went for a ride around the CCU in his wheelchair!  His first foray out that didn't include a trip to the OR, CT or IR!  Alphabet soup.

Several times during the day, Derek spontaneously said he loved us.

Tonight, he said that he knows who he can really count on, Mom and Krystina, and when Krystina reminded him about Kiki, he said she is always there at home to keep things running so Mom can be here for him.

When we were ready to leave, Derek became very upset that he couldn't walk us down, especially to the place where he had the poptart (didn't happen).  We waited until he was just about asleep to leave, because I couldn't see him upset.  He had had such an upsetting day with the delusional thoughts and questions about things I really did not want to talk to him about.  His mind was whirring and he started questioning us about things I would have rather avoided.  I am not talking about Afghanistan.  He did talk about that, but he also wanted to talk about "family" dynamics.  He has been talking about these family dynamics for two weeks, so it is nothing new to him.  In this state, it was particularly troubling, because I could see it was really on his mind.  I gave one or two words answers and just let him vent.  Krystina and I had talked to him last week when he was lucid and answered his questions, so today we just let him talk.

Unfortunately, people have chosen to dump more stress on us during this time when they should be helping us.  I have already discussed Krystina's orders and how we had to fight to get her on orders when it should have been done voluntarily.  I have also discussed people wanting Krystina to leave Derek.  I do not understand this.  I mentioned once before how Derek had mentioned wanting limited visits, but it seems that Derek is not the only one who is delusional at the present time. 

Notwithstanding that the nursing commander and health care mediator held a meeting to discuss DEREK'S wishes, I was told today that when Derek can speak for himself, the person who is the focus of Derek's desire for the limited visit will listen.  Derek HAS spoken.  Derek spoke to Dr. West, the nurses, the social worker, casuality affairs and Master Sgt Bell about his wishes.  I believe that is speaking for himself is it not?  What else does he need to do?  How much more stress does he need to put on this boy who was blown up by an IED?  Why won't he respect this kid's wishes and back the heck off?  He wanted to know what Derek wanted for this weekend and Derek wanted one day.  In his present state, someone who has been out of his life and has not been a good influence shouldn't even be here!  He didn't believe that Derek said that.  So he is not coming this weekend, but that could be because his request for lodging was denied, but I can never be 100% sure of that.  That is just my opinion.

I have really tried to stay away from this personal drama, but it has permeated my soul and given that we have been in CCU 46 days, and Derek has had two really bad days, I am at the end of my rope.  I have not slept, and I have not had time to eat, except a couple of bites on the run, because we really need "eyes on" at all times.  I will be up at 05:30 tomorrow to get back to the hospital, and it is already almost 23:30
I did not need to deal with a delusional jerk today who really thinks he has done nothing wrong while trying to deal with Derek ripping at his tubes and wires and trying to keep him from hurting himself!  Go crawl back under the rock you have been under for the last 13 years.  Unless you are going to start supporting your children and start being a real father, we do not need you.  I tried to be nice, but if Derek's wishes are not going to be respected, then stay away.

Sorry for the rant tonight.  Needed to vent.  I cannot expect someone who ran out 13 years ago to be supportive now.  Like I said once before, I live on Hope Island.  I constantly hope that people will rise to the occasion and do the right thing, but then I am disappointed.  I hold people to the highest standard.  When they do not rise to the occasion, I get disappointed.  Where my children are concerned, you do not get a second chance.

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